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GRIEF
Death and Dying

Ways to help children understand death

Connie Cone Sexton
Children can perceive death and loss differently from adults. Here is some guidance to help them understand and cope with it.

Most children perceive death differently from adults; here is some guidance on how to help them understand what it means.

  • Use concrete terms to describe death. For example, dead people no longer breathe, eat, go to the bathroom or grow.
  • Avoid saying a dead person is just sleeping or resting, that you have lost them, or that they are just taking a trip.
  • Prepare children for what to expect at the funeral or visitation.
  • Maintain a child’s routine, including school and activities, as much as possible.
  • Use books on death and loss to aid understanding. Don’t assume older children or teens are able to cope on their own.

How different age groups perceive death

Birth to age 3

May view death as a loss, separation or abandonment. May have change in sleep, eating and mood patterns. May need constant nurturing.

Ages 3 to 6

View death as reversible and temporary and believe that people who die will come back. May believe in magical thinking. May think their actions caused the death: that death is punishment for doing something bad. Abstract concepts like heaven may be hard to understand.

Ages 6 to 9

Are more aware of the finality of death and their own mortality. May be reluctant to share initially but later will have a strong grief reaction. Are concerned about how the loss will affect them. Understand that they, too, will die. Interested in the details of goodbye rituals. May have questions about an afterlife.

Adolescents

Have an adult understanding of death as inevitable, universal and irreversible. May repress sadness. May feel confused, responsible, angry and lonely. May see self as invincible. May question the meaning of life and religious beliefs. May want to assume more of an adult role.

Sources: Mayo Clinic, National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization and Hospice of the Valley.